Today is a frustrating day. It is a day where nothing has gone “bad” but a day of uneasy reflection. As I continue on my journey, certain things I can’t seem to shake. Feelings buried alive for sure. See.. my childhood was not a great one, as a matter of fact, it was not even a good one. While I realize that shit happens in life and you have to move forward and let things be what they are, not what they were. On the other side of that.. things are what they are because of what they once were… It is not easy as an adult to continuously confront things from a time when you were supposed to be loved, nurtured, and protected, but was not. I have always been a free thinker with a vibrant spirit fighting against the madness of a dysfunctional family who often chose to ridicule and abuse. I guess I was an easy target, because of my quietness. I did not talk much, but I was always a watcher of things and a quiet visionary. As a child, I always knew what would be the result of the things that took hold of my eyes and ears. I now remember the verbal, mental, and physical abuse. For all these years, they were buried so deep down inside, but the pain is never buried or forgotten. The feelings never cease to end. Everything I saw and heard had a inner visual that I had not yet understood. Now over 30 years later, I am on the other side of what I envisioned and things happened just like I remembered them happening in the mind of that little girl. I still have the same hope that things will take a turn some day, and in some ways I guess they have, but not with out a cost that seems to be greater than I could have ever imagined. I have made changes that I thought would free me from the pains of the past and in some ways I have been free but in some ways I have been a prisoner of my own so called independence.
Now I am a woman who stands in the shoes of that broken little girl.. still feeling abandoned, hurt, lonely, forgotten, confused, emotionally and physically battered, & thrown away.. but yet still hopeful for better..
