Every moment is a learning experience. Sometimes those moments move too fast. Sometimes those moments move slow. Sometimes they seem to stand still.

I wonder why it is so easy for people to hate, but so hard for them to love.

I am so tired. My clock seems to be standing still. Since I have decided to be ok with whatever happens in my life, the ride has been smoother, but boring as hell.

I started off with lots to type, but don’t even feel like digging that deep inside of myself at the moment..

Guess I will come back another time…

2010 started off ok.. will be back as time allows.. I miss blogging, even if I did not do it often..

*sigh* Pray for Haiti everybody!

Today is a frustrating day. It is a day where nothing has gone “bad” but a day of uneasy reflection.  As I continue on my journey, certain things I can’t seem to shake. Feelings buried alive for sure. See.. my childhood was not a great one, as a matter of fact, it was not even a good one. While I realize that shit happens in life and you have to move forward and let things be what they are, not what they were. On the other side of that.. things are what they are because of what they once were… It is not easy as an adult to continuously confront things from a time when you were supposed to be loved, nurtured, and protected, but was not. I have always been a free thinker with a vibrant spirit fighting against the madness of a dysfunctional family who often chose to ridicule and abuse. I guess I was an easy target, because of my quietness. I did not talk much, but I was always a watcher of things and a quiet visionary. As a child, I always knew what would be the result of the things that took hold of my eyes and ears. I now remember the verbal, mental, and physical abuse. For all these years, they were buried so deep down inside, but the pain is never buried or forgotten. The feelings never cease to end.  Everything I saw and heard had a inner visual that I had not yet understood.  Now over 30 years later, I am on the other side of what I envisioned and things happened just like I remembered them happening in the mind of that little girl. I still have the same hope that things will take a turn some day, and in some ways I guess they have, but not with out a cost that seems to be greater than I could have ever imagined. I have made changes that I thought would free me from the pains of the past and in some ways I have been free but in some ways I have been a prisoner of  my own so called independence.

Now I am a woman who stands in the shoes of that broken little girl.. still feeling abandoned, hurt, lonely, forgotten, confused, emotionally and physically battered, & thrown away.. but yet still hopeful for better..

Working through the hate that love built.. 

I truly think that people use the word LOVE without knowing exactly what the word means..

It can be a feeling.. a chemical reaction.. a word.. an action.. 

Love can be simple or complicated… 

I don’t think the definition that we as humans give it justifies the true essence of the word..

How can four little letters carry the weight of so much emotion?

I really hate that I love.. Flawed to the max…

Love defined by the dictionary is one thing

Love defined by my heart:

Always searching for inspiration.. and I found these.
I love words.. thoughts.. & emotion.. Quotes are a combination of all three..

“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.”

“This diary is my kief, hashish, and opium pipe. This is my drug and my vice.”

“…for no one has ever loved an adventurous woman as they have loved adventurous men.”

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.”

“How wrong is it for women to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than set out to create it herself.”

“I postpone death by living, by suffering, by error, by risking, by giving, by losing.”

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world not possibly born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.”

“I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger as reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me. Anything I can not transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn’t impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls.”

“Something is always born of excess: great art was born of great terror, great loneliness, great inhibitions, instabilities, and it always balances them.”

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing.”

“Dreams are necessary to life.”

“We dont see things as they are we see them as we are.”

“People living deeply have no fear of death.”

-Anaïs Nin

Ok.. I did not get to go on my trip as planned and that disappointed me but.. IT IS WHAT IT IS.. huh… 

It is all good. I am still productive in my living habits and I am getting somethings done. Although those are not things that I wanted to get done at this particular time, they have to be done. Time and circumstance had decided for me.

 

God is good. I know that my best interests are always a priority to my creator

 

Today is an ok day.. I guess.. I can not complain.. It is cool outside and the sun is shining. I have my ticket booked for my trip abroad in March and I am excited. I will be putting some things to rest while embarking on some new adventures. I plan to meet some of my old friends of whom I met while I lived there for a year and I might meet some new ones. 

God I miss my life there. I hope to be able to live there for another extended period of time in the near future.

I was able to live in my truth while so far away from the truth that others had created over time.

It felt so wonderful and spiritually fulfilling to be able to have my external life match my thoughts and desires.

Rebel?!?!… NO!! I just can see through people’s fanatical realities of what self is and delusional insanities. I don’t want any part of it.

As usual I think and I think and I think..lol

Although I am getting better at releasing my thoughts via blogging, I am not just where I want to be.  As verbal and expressive as I think I am.. Some thoughts will continue to remain as just thoughts I guess.

I still search myself every moment of the day.. Well maybe not every moment, but I try to be as aware as I can without being fanatical or insane about it.

The other day.. a friend asked if I wanted to attend her anger managment class with her.  My answer was.. “Nawww, My anger keeps me living, without it I would be insane” Is that really true?!?!? Can it be?!?!? Maybe so…lol

I realize that those are true words for most people..lol

I guess it’s all good as long as we learn from it and work thought it.. Right?!?! Then I have to ask myself… What is sanity?  lol

Oh well.. I guess I will go now.. I have a color wheel to paint…  and more thinking to do…lol

Time truly does tell it all.. well.. maybe not ALL.. but it opens the door to the things you had not known before..

Time brings about lessons, truths, deceit.. and plain ole insanity…

My mother was a true example of the saying “You can’t take it with you when you die”..

I have 3 sisters by my mother and the oldest is causing all kinds of crap since my mothers death.  Does she not understand that OUR mother was not just her mother? Does she not understand that all of our loss is the same?  I don’t get it.. I thank my creator that I don’t..

 

HOW THE HELL DOES YOUR FLESH AND BLOOD… WHO CLAIMS TO LOVE FAMILY… TAKE FAMILY TO COURT??

I can honesty say that I know my sister has no honor, and no genuine compassion or love for the ones who have given those things to her.

As much as she seems to give to the world, she is selfish.. If the public only knew.. If they only knew the truth..

Strange how the masses tend to love people they should take pity on..

I can clearly see that everyone really does live in their own bubble… their own little personal hell hole or heaven.

I am a watcher.. I always have been.. All of my life I have watched things unfold like a life time movie..

I saw this coming… When a parent dies.. all hell break loose.. You would think that people would come together but I guess they don’t.

This might read as a bunch of ramblings.. but if you have been through it.. you will comprehend…

One mans pain is nothing compared to the pain of all..

Yes.. we are all chemical reactions..lol

Nothing more… nothing less…

I want to touch on dreams at the moment..

Dreams do come true!! No matter how small or how big.. If you believe and work at it.. anything is possible.

I once had small dreams but I had to upgrade my thoughts and aspirations..

Good things come when you are truly ready for them to do so. I don’t mean just a wanting for it.. I mean a deep.. burning desire..

A desire that will not let you give up on what it is that you desire.

More to come… gotta run.. dang I am running late today…